The reason that the matter came to our attention in the first instance is that a neighbour, a Mr Ivor Gross-Swelling, was cleaning his upper windows when he noticed 'Miss X'. He had been noticing Miss X for some 20 minutes, when the moorings of the pelmet to which he had been clutching, gave way and Mr Gross-Swelling fell out of the window.

Mr Gross-Swelling sustained fractures to 4 ribs, his left tibia, two teeth and Mrs Gross-Swelling's prize Azalea. Upon observing Mr Gross-Swelling's impromptu and rapid journey into the shrubbery and the resultant damage to the best pot-plant (1998), Mrs Gross-Swelling assisted her spouse from his undignified position.

Unfortunately she assisted him with a bucket and garden-spade, resulting in a further fractured rib, and a dislocated elbow.

This fracas was reported to the Desk Officer in Raingate Street, Bury St. Edmunds, by another neighbour, a Mrs Mandy Lifeboats.

Police Constable 438 Plonker, being approximately adjacent to the incident, was sent to investigate. The following is an extract from his report of the situation. The paragraph concerning the area that I believe will be of most interest to yourself is marked with an asterisk.

Police Constable 438 Plonker's report

"I arrived on the scene at 10:37 on the morning of the 15th August 2000. Upon entering the premises owned by Mr and Mrs Gross-Swelling, I was confronted by a distressed gentleman with a severe limp, (whom I later ascertained as being Mr Ivor Gross- Swellingand succeeding) upon his person by a woman whom I later discovered to be Mrs Gross-Swelling.

By the time I had separated the combatants, several other neighbours had arrived and were able to render assistance, unfortunately by throwing the voluble Mrs Gross-Swelling into the coal-shed, and bolting the door.

I was able to summon an ambulance to the address for the aid of the injured gentleman. Whilst waiting for the medical service, I did question Mr Gross-Swelling as to the reason for this situation, which he told me. (See above).

Having seen Mr Gross-Swelling off in an ambulatory conveyance, and Mrs Gross-Swelling off in a Police conveyance, I went to investigate further.

Apparently, the disturbances of the previous hour had not disturbed Miss X as she was still having (in the vernacular) a kip.

I entered the property of Miss X to enquire as to whether she could assist in my enquiries of the disturbance from the neighbouring property.

I rapped loudly on the patio table immediately adjacent to Miss X, but she failed to respond. I then tapped Miss X upon the shoulder, but achieved the same lack of result.

I was about to speak when I heard a voice. I made a cursory search of the immediate vicinity, but could see no-one. I heard the voice again, but was unable to discern what was said. The voice appeared to emanate from the lady's 'Pubic Triangle', or in this case 'Public Triangle.' I forced myself to wait for confirmation before embarking on what I believed to be a gross infringement of privacy.

I received this confirmation that the voice was indeed calling from where I thought it was coming from, and then decided to investigate.

I first stated that I was a police officer, and asked the owner of the voice to make him- or her-self available to assist me with my enquiries.

The voice replied, "I've got a problem. Can you come in and help?" To say that I was concerned was an understatement. I advised that the voice remain where it was whilst I summoned assistance. At no time did I offer the advice that at that stage it wasn't help that was required, but a miracle.

I returned to my Police vehicle in order to locate my Police issue Nocturnal Navigation Aid (torch), advise Control of my actions and request any available backup. I was advised by Control that a Tactical Weapons And Training team would be with me within the hour, and I could proceed as I deemed necessary.

I returned to the area of investigation, and having made my presence known, a hand emerged and a voice bade me enter.

I thought, having some delicacy for the area that I was entering, it may be providential to remove my Police issue size 12 boots.

I then removed my headgear, so as to avoid any possible damage and also to pre-empt any smutty remarks about helmets, and entered.

I again called and repeated that I was a police officer and asked if anyone could hear me. I received a reply that asked me to locate it. I used my Police issue Nocturnal Navigation Aid (torch) in an effort to illuminate the immediate area for further investigation.

I eventually saw a male person of stocky build approach me, asking if I had seen a blue, 38-tonne articulated truck."

Here Police Constable 438 Plonker's report became fragmented and incoherent, and P.C. Plonker himself was found paddling and babbling in an alarming manner in a neighbour's ornamental fish- pond. He has not yet made a recovery.

P.C. 438 Plonker is now residing in the secure ward of West Suffolk Hospital, Hardwick Lane, Bury St. Edmunds. If you do need to interview him at any stage, I ask if you could please make the necessary appointment(s) through this office.

Would you also please contact my secretary in order to effect an interview at your earliest convenience?

Police Constable 438 Plonker's immediate superiors, namely Detective Constable Annie Sourfaced-Gitt and Detective Sergeant Fuller Shyte have been placed at your disposal, if you should need them, for the time you will be working on this case.

I wish you the very best of luck in your investigation, and re- iterate that if you need any further assistance, please don't hesitate to ask.

Yours faithfully

Nick Emhall

Chief Constable